somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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