I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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