We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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