dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
