Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
