bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
