just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
