Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
