Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize