What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
