Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
