mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
