Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
