Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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