dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
