where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Randomize
