I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
