You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
