My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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