There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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