Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
