please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
