Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
