Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
