Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
