just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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