I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
