a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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