i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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