I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
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