Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
