I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
