she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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