would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize