she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
