Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
