when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
This is the prime rib incident all over again
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You've changed since you got that strap on
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
