Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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