Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
