yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
