rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
