my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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