btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
