Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
