You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize