first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
she pinky promised me she was 18
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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