yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
