you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize