from now on my penis is your penis
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
