I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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