You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
