he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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