it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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