just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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