I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
