MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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