Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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