Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Randomize
