i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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