Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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