The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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