she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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