Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
