dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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